Decisions

DECISIONS...this process is full of decisions. Even though, as adoptive parents, we feel that most of them are out of our hands. We have been in process for a little over a year and the biggest decision for every family is, "Will this be a good match". Every one of us wants to provide our child the world. That includes knowing that they will love us and be happy that they are a part of our families. I have to say that since our last visit, this has crossed my mind a few times. After Ben's obvious aversion, I have considered what if he just plain does not like me? But that is a subject reserved for another day.

I have been posed with the situation of adoption disruption a few times. The latest reason for thinking about it is by way of a friend. I have a dear friend that is experienceing a difficult adoption. For the people that are not at the core of the situation, they have, through concern for her, hinted at "other alternatives" to completing this adoption. That pretty much boils down to a disruption. The birth mother is allowed to back out up to the final decree, when her signature is required for the very last time. Adoptive parents are allowed to decide otherwise for much longer. We can disrupt the adoption during process, but we can also disrupt after the child comes home. This happens more often than you would think. In many cases it is due to no one's particular fault. Sometimes circumstances are just not the best for everyone involved. Other times, there are problems that can lay claim to blame. There have been many parents that have brought their "healthy" children home to find out that this is not the case. They may feel that once the truth is discovered, they are not equipped to handle the needs of this particular child. In either case, whether small or large, and no matter what stage the adoptions is, I am sure that the decision is a gutt-wrenching one to make.

My friend has had the question of disruption brought up to her a few times. At this point, she strongly refuses this option. She has met her daughter-to-be and now considers her flesh of her flesh. That is what happens when we go visit our children. When you hold that child for the first time, they miraculously become "our child". Forget that they were brought into this world by another. It's hard to describe the mentality. For me, I know that Ben was not conceived in my womb, but that line of separation from reality is very blurred. Almost to the point of being imaginary. All of the documents, courts and professionals helping us, prove that he was born by another woman. But my bond could not be any stronger to my child. He may have been brought into this world by a different woman, but he was born of my heart and soul. So, when someone considers disruption, it is not a simple matter. I have had one person mention terminating our adoption to me only once. She is someone that I love very much and I know she suggested it only because she also loves me. When she spoke those words and it finally sunk in what she was talking about, the mother lion in me sprang to life. I wanted to pounce on her and shred her from limb to limb in defense of my son. Instead, I politely, explained why that is not an option. I tried, with all of me effort, to hold back the flood gate of emotion this question threatened to burst forward. I'm not sure, but I would say that the flash of red in my eyes and the smoke rolling out my ears gave her a pretty good indication that this was a sensitive subject and not up for discussion. She has not brought it up again.

But this is not the case for everyone. I have spoken to some and heard of many cases where the adoption was disrupted by the adoptive family. For some, this is an answer. For my friend that I am sure will read this, it is not good or bad. I don't know how it will effect you, but now that this subject has been brought to your attention, the thought will probably not be far away. Once brought to me, I have revisited this idea many times. Mostly out of concern for what is best for my son. Almost instantly I come to my senses and quickly smack my brain for running along those parellels. But the thought is always close at hand. I guess it's there mostly because of the unknown. We have not a clue when Ben will be allowed to come home or if he will like it here, or us. The unknowns nag at me. Only time will tell what is best. Pray and hold dear that "A" is waiting. She is in a good place and well cared for. All will work out according to plan. It just may not be what you were planning. Go until you can go no more. If that time comes, you will know it. And know that there is no shame if it is your decision. Follow your heart. God will show the way if you allow him to. You are always in my prayers.

Gayle