Thankful Heart

I woke up this morning with a thankful heart. I have been actively trying to appreciate the things I DO have and trying not to focus on the things I don't. After all, we have a lot to be thankful for. Ben is not home, this is true, but...he is healthy and being taken care of by a family that loves him and watches out for his well-being. The rest of my family is healthy and some of us are getting stronger everyday. That's a blessing. I have a roof over my head, a blessing. Our business seems to be thriving, another blessing. What more could a person ask for?

Quite honestly, even though I do thank God everyday for all that he has provided, I still fall short in the gratefulness department. I can't help it. I miss my son. And I know that everyday he is growing and learning. I just want to be a part of his life.

When I get asked about all of the events in Ben's life that we have missed, i.e. his first Christmas, his 1st birthday, 1st teeth, 1st steps, 1st word, on and on. My normal reply is, "Yes, we may have missed the firsts, but once he is home, we will get the rest." I try to believe my own words. But deep down inside, I know, I mourn not being able to celebrate these milestones.

We received news today that our facilitator is staying in Puerto Barrios to try and get some resolve from our case. Either by hopefully speeding up a court date or by convincing PGN to allow us to get the rectification by notarial means. Either way that means we have set still for another week. No movement one way or the other. I have never felt more like a dog chasing his tail than I do today. Round and round we go, exhausting all that energy, but we really never get anywhere.

This all boils down to the fact that we are still, in all reality, at least 3 months from bringing Ben home. That puts us at December. NOrmally I would say that this would be a wonderful time to bring a child into our lives. Right at Christmas, just in time for Santa. How great is that? But, I am a tax accountant. In my mind all I see is the fact that my son will get home just in time for mommy to start working 12 and 13 hours a day, 6 days a week. If he was a little suspicious of me on our last visit, can you imagine how he is going to feel about the person that leaves before he gets up and comes home after he goes to bed? I will get to spend time with him only on Sundays for about two months. This is not working out any where close to the way we had planned. Oh well...the best laid plans and all. I know, I know. I have a lot to be thankful for and I should just stop whining. All it does is use up the oxygen in the air and never benefits anyone. Just humor me for a while. I won't stay on the pity train for long...I promise!
Gayle