Que pasa?

That's the question we found ourselves saying mostly...what's wrong? We just came back from our most recent visit. While it was wonderful seeing Ben, it was also very hard.


GOOD NEWS...
HE IS WALKING!!! Yep, he travels anywhere he wants now. He may look like someone's put something in his milk, but he gets there on his own. This part was really fun. Watching him walk all over the place. Of course, this marks the end of being able to control what he can come in contact with, and the beginning of much more vigilence from mama and papa.

His four teeth are solidly in place and we could see a few more starting to make their appearance. If you don't believe us, just let him get one of your body parts to his mouth...OUCH, does he have a bite!!!


NOT SO GOOD NEWS...
This trip we came head on with the visible effects of attachment issues. After Ben's fostermother left our hotel room, and he realized she had left him there, he had nothing more to do with me. He was very clingy to Paul. If Paul left the room, Ben would wail. If Paul put Ben down, he would wail. If Paul turned away, Ben would wail. Get the picture? Paul had to sleep, breathe and eat with Ben attached to his side. Which is what we came there for, to be close to Ben. But, I kinda' wanted to share in some of the bonding also. I felt very much like I was constantly looking thru a window at the two of them. That is, of course, until I came close to them. Then Ben would start to wail, again. I expected to deal with some attachment issues, but when we were faced with them, it was harder then imagined. I so wanted Ben and I to have the bonding experience we had on my last visit. He was so happy and accepted me as his care giver. He looked to me for comfort and would reach out to me. It was just as every mother dreams. Those tiny hands reaching out with that hopeful look of wanting his mother to hold him. How I cherish that feeling .

We were given many theories as to what was going on. Some simple and some more complicated. One, was that he didn't care for the color of my hair. You see, my husband has black hair and brown eyes. I have lighter brown hair and green eyes. I had several native people give this reason. They told me that their own children are very shy around people of fairer appearance. The second theory was that Ben remembers me from my last visit. That was when he bonded so well with me and then I left him. Gave him back to his fostermom. So, the idea is that he didn't trust me to stay. Which, of course, was the truth. I wasn't staying. ( I told you he's smart) The third was one of the more complicated reasons...attachment issues. We were told that since Ben is getting older and he is more able of in depth feelings and thought, these issues would become more valid. The longer he stays in Guatemala, the more he becomes attached to his family there and is more leery of strangers. Which we are to him. Right now I am a stranger to my son, (oooh, that causes pain to say) Actually, the news is not all bad. These issues are a sign of good emotional health. That he has the ability to attach is one of the milestones for a child. Children from orphanages or who have been in the foster care system and experience several different care givers sometimes have difficulty attaching to their forever family. These abilities to bond and trust a mother and family are very basic. They are cultivated early in life. If the ability is not nurtured early on, sometimes it is lost. And then these children find it very difficult to trust those base relationships. This in turn can cause many devastating effects for the rest of their lives. So, as I said earlier, all is not bad. In a way, Ben reacted in a very healthy manner. Even though it was hard for us, we understand it. We, being the adults know how to sort out these complicated feelings. Ben is too young to know how to process these type of raw emotions. The result, he cries. And he did plenty of that. Because he seemed so uncomfortable with me, we decided to give him back to his fostermother 4 days early. This was a hard decision, but best for Ben. We saw it as no need to put him through this trying time and facilitate a bonding experience just to leave him again. We will cross that bridge when it will be most effective, our pick-up trip. So, that means ,we have for now, decided that this was our last visit. I pray that our case gets moving so that we can be resubmitted to PGN. At least then we will have some ray of hope that we are moving in the right direction.

We did get some tidbits of information from the fostermother. She said that according to Palomo's office, (facilitator), the reason we had to go thru the lengthy court process was when they went back to get the original birth certificate from the civil registry, the book it was recorded in was lost. That meant there was no original to correct. Therefore we have to prove that Ben was born and to whom. I know. It sounds sort of silly and clumsy. But, it's the fact and now we have to deal with it. So, we are still waiting for word of the court hearing.

Some processes are more complicated than others. Ours is the same, more complicated than some, but not as difficult as others. I have met people that have been in our shoes for over two years. My prayers go out to them everyday. And I have met others that experienced the "magical" processes. Those that are in and out of the whole mess in break neck speed. God bless them. It gives the rest of us hope that the system does work.